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Krazihethet
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Name: Heather
Gender: Female
Interests: Growing in J-E-S-U-S. spending time with friends,making music, trying new things, growing up and being an actual adult, and growing closer to the man I love.
Expertise: being confused or indecisive....sometimes both. And sometimes, I like to think I know something about Political Science...or Philosophy...we'll see what the future holds...
Occupation: Student
Industry: Legal
Message: message me
Member Since:
7/25/2002
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| I've been through a mental marathon it seems. I've been battling a lot of inner demons and past memories that have cut me deep. I've been trying to find ways to let myself vent before I got absolutely crazy. It feels like this has all been suddenly triggered. There is so much pain, frustration, anger, and disappointment that I never knew I had. I've been writing a lot. It seems like it's been my only release. If I attempt to detail what my mind has been through, it seems as though no one would understand me or just automatically deem me as crazy. When people expect so much of you, I think you fall much harder. I don't want pity or companionship. I want a chance to heal. I'm angry and hurt. I guess my biggest disappointment is when you give so much of yourself to something or someone it's amazing how quickly they forget the sacrifices you've made. It must suck to be a parent.... | | |
| My problem: Being too apologetic for who I am. For most of my life, I wanted to fit in...to never feel like I was any different. In elementary school, I would let kids copy my paper because it would lead to social acceptance. In high school, I would dumb myself down so that other kids wouldn't treat me like the "freaky smart girl." I have been apologizing left and right for things that I should be proud of, and I'm sick of it! Yes, I am nerdy. Yes, I have competed in piano competitions, literary competitions, and beauty pageants. Yes, I enjoy musical theater. Yes, I have directed choirs, bands, and musicals. Yes, I went to Emory University. Yes, I freakin' rocked the S.A.T.S. Yes, I am anal and organized. Yes, I like to yard sale and make home-made crafts. Yes, I like star gazing and cloud watching. Yes, I like fairs and rollercoaster rides. Yes, I like fishing and camping. Yes, I like to read. Yes, I know pretty much every grammar rule in the book. Yes, I'm an over achiever..always have been and always will be. Yes, I'm competitive and like to win. Yes, I'm a hopless romantic, and Yes, this is who I am and I'm freakin' proud of it! In your face! | | |
| My problem: Over Self-Analysis
I am continually comparing myself to my "former self"...the Heather that was 115 pounds or the Heather that was recognized in her community for this, that, and the other....or the Heather that was passionate and driven...or the Heather that could command the attention of an audience. I've kind of held on to those accomplishments as an excuse not to move forward. In my head, I keep telling myself, "You can do that again if you want to," but somehow the desire to "want to" gets lost in the mix. Instead, I have found myself to be frustrated, feeling as though I haven't progressed, matured, or conquered.
Yeah, maybe I'm too hard on myself, but what's a life without motivation....without goals. There's a disconnect between my drive and my passion, and I over analyze instead of just DOING. Words with no actions are FUTILE even if they are words just whispered in the mind. I'm trying to stop thinking and just start living. I can't allow myself to live in the past of my accomplishments. I want to create new ones....I want to live in the moment....I want to live for today.
I want to BE somebody....
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| Wow....xanga....it took me this long to figure out what my password was to this account....but it's not like anyone ever reads this...but still...wow.... | | |
| Wow...xanga....haven't been on here in forever...I thought I would write and see who would give me props. LOL! | | |
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